Old Habits – New Beginnings
by Off in a dream
Summary: A main spending years avoiding responsibility and reality through addiction finds redemtion and himself once more.


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_Changes_

Meetings were the toughest. One of the negative coping skills he used during the twenty-five years he lost in his addiction was isolating himself from anything or anyone who might interfere with his efforts to get high. What gave anyone else the right to "tell me how to live my life" when they couldn't even solve their own problems? People were just like his parents, always telling him what to do, but never taking their own advice. He was never going to believe "a bunch of hypocrites" had anything to offer him. It had seemed so easy to get angry and defensive refusing to listen to reason. Besides, they couldn't be right because that would mean he was wrong to use alcohol and pills as a way to cope with the stress of daily living. No; as far as he was concerned, anything that made him feel better had to be a good for him. If only people could see things like he did.

In the beginning, he sat quietly in the back of the meeting rooms listening to the stories being shared by other recovering individuals. He had a hard time believing that anyone would share personal information with a room full of strangers. He enjoyed the coffee and donuts served to the group, but it would never get him to consider standing up and making a "fool out of himself" in front of people he didn't know. He may not have much to call his own, but he still had his pride. As he became more familiar with the reasoning behind recovery, he realized that the pride he felt was the very thing he needed to let go of since it fueled his resistance to the principals of abstinence. He remembered arguing in the past many times in favor of his addiction since he was a "grown man" and could make his own decisions. It took some time for him to see that sharing life experiences helped individuals see they were not alone in the battle to save themselves from the disease of addiction. This was something he could never understand when he was isolating himself from any positive outside interventions. He remembered hearing something when younger about pride coming before the fall.

Humility was something he had never experienced. He always felt people who didn't or couldn't stand their ground were "weak". He hadn't even known the meaning of the word until he began attending meetings and realized people were not reveling in their past behaviors, but sharing the harm it brought to themselves and those they cared for. Whenever he went out or got together with friends his sense of entitlement in everything gave him no need to express humility. With all the losses he experienced, along with a failure to rebound from disappointment, he was never provided him with the opportunity to feel anything except anger and contempt towards life. This was something he would have to think about now that he had interacted with recovering individuals who were willing to humble themselves by listening to someone else and learn how to follow rather than take the lead.

Shame. Standing in front of the podium, ready to share his story for the first time, he finally got it. James had spent so much time avoiding this emotion at the height of his addiction never fully aware of the reason why, until today. In a moment of self-revelation he understood how his alcohol and drug use provided the perfect protection from himself. It was unfamiliar and painful as he relived in a matter of moments all of the hurtful; embarrassing, degrading, and reprehensible acts he engaged in just to continue abusing his drugs of choice. What he learned during his time in recovery was the need to stop punishing himself for things done under the insane influence of his addiction. He came to understand through his interactions in the brotherhood how it would be impossible to forgive others if he couldn't first learn to forgive himself.

James had an opportunity to learn through his readings in the AA Big Book and N/A text how in the midst of his darkest moments, he still had value and was loved by his higher power. He had turned his back on religion and spirituality long ago when believing was harder than giving up and giving in. He came to realize this was the great lie his addiction fabricated to keep him from seeking help. As long as he believed himself unworthy and unloved there could only be one place to find relief; in his addiction. Now was the time to reveal what he had tried so hard to bury for so long. James took a deep breath and started talking as quickly as he could fearful of losing his courage should he stop to take a breath. He didn't want to disappoint his sponsor and everyone else who placed their faith in him back when he had lost all hope in himself. He felt a great weight lift from his shoulders as he began sharing his past experiences and distorted thinking that kept him trapped in a living hell with the fellowship. He also discovered a sense of freedom that night as people came up when he was finished speaking thanking him for the positive message he shared with them He was not ashamed to shed a tear of joy.

More meetings followed as weeks turned into months allowing him to release more of the anger and pain he had kept locked inside for so long. James was starting to grow comfortable living a sober lifestyle and taking things one day at a time. This had been a wonderful journey he had never in his wildest imagination believed possible. He made a vow to give back to others rather than seek to satisfy his own selfish needs at any cost. One day he was approached by a man who introduced himself as the new director down at the YMCA on Conner Avenue. The director explained how he had been to a meeting about a year ago and heard a recovering addict talk about his belief in a loving GOD and the opportunity for redemption free to anyone willing to surrender and the positive impact it had on his life and decision to live a sober lifestyle. James expressed great surprise to learn he had been the speaker the director heard that night. He also realized the real lesson learned from his struggles. He had to give back what had been freely given to him for the process to work. They talked for a while before James headed back to his apartment with a big grin on his face. He never would have believed it, back when he was abusing alcohol and drugs, if someone told him he would be a guide to help someone else find their way back from the darkness of addiction. Yet, here he was and this was what sobriety had done for him. James decided to turn in early so he could get up in the morning and go to church. He needed to thank GOD for the miracle of recovery and a second chance he was given. The feeling he had this day was something pleasant and good; gratitude.

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